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Why Joy Can Be Your Enemy

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In previous posts, I discussed why the so-called “negative” emotions of <a href="http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifestyle/three-reasons-why-anger-is-your-friend.html" style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; color: #2c83ca; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; zoom: 1;" target="_blank">anger</a>, <a href="http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifehack/3-reasons-why-shame-is-your-friend.html" style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; color: #2c83ca; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; zoom: 1;" target="_blank">shame</a>, <a href="http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifehack/why-sadness-is-your-friend.html" style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; color: #2c83ca; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; zoom: 1;" target="_blank">sadness</a>, and<a href="http://www.lifehack.org/articles/lifehack/why-fear-is-your-friend.html" style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; color: #2c83ca; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; zoom: 1;" target="_blank">fear</a> are actually good friends and guides. In this post, I am going to close the loop on this project by outlining why <strong style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-weight: bold; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; zoom: 1;">joy</strong>, a “positive” emotion, can be your enemy.</div>
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How can this be? How can joy cause trouble? What’s wrong with feeling good?</div>
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Well, nothing, of course. Except that the pursuit of joy (and the fear of losing joy) can distract us from creating long-term happiness and fulfillment. And it can even bring about circumstances that cause tremendous suffering.</div>
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But how does this happen?</div>
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In one of two ways: <strong style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-weight: bold; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; zoom: 1;">Attachment and Distraction</strong>.</div>
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How is attachment a problem?</h2>
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Attachment can be a problem when it clouds your judgment, preventing you from making the right choices (for you) in the hopes of getting or keeping something that you think will bring you joy.</div>
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I’m sure you’ve known people who have quit their jobs and moved away from their friends and families to a new city in order to stay together with a boyfriend/girlfriend, only to find themselves dumped and far from home when what they really needed to do is accept that other person is moving away and get on with life. Attachment to that other person, wanting to get or keep the Joy that comes from being with the other person, brought that on. Similarly, people can get attached to ideas, places and objects, and let this attachment prevent them from making wise decisions.</div>
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We can also get attached to the results of our actions and create trouble for ourselves and others. How many times have we told ourselves the following:</div>
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“I’ll be happy when I get rich/get married/have kids/get a promotion/get a better house…”</div>
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Staying so focused on the payoff prevents us from enjoying the journey, and in extreme circumstances it can lead to problems brought on by unethical behavior. Whether it’s fudging taxes, covering up problems at work, lying to your spouse to keep the peace, all of them can bring serious consequences crashing down upon you…simply because you wanted the joy associated with the payoff.</div>
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Joy can be a distraction</h2>
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It can be — and it may be a harmless one, like procrastinating with Facebook or playing video games instead of taking action on something that would bring achievement and fulfillment.</div>
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Starting that big project at work can be hard. Same with fixing up your house, training for a 5K or writing a book, but those things can be incredibly rewarding (much more so than playing Angry Birds). But playing Angry Birds can provide the distraction of fun<strong style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-weight: bold; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; zoom: 1;">and</strong> joy.</div>
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Right now that prevents you from ever going down those paths.</div>
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Taken to the extreme, distraction becomes addiction. You drink/take drugs/gamble because it feels better than facing some challenge. No one becomes an addict because they honestly want the lifestyle and rewards — they do it because it feels good (initially at least), and it brings joy to have a drink or a hit or another card. If it didn’t feel good — at least in the moment — no one would do it.</div>
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But we do…because people find joy in distraction and they can’t tear themselves away from it long enough to take care of themselves.</div>
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In closing</h2>
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Joy can lead to attraction and be a distraction. We get attached to another person or object, or to a certain result, and this can lead to bad decisions. Similarly, we can use momentary Joy to distract us from taking on more difficult challenges that would ultimately prove more fulfilling. Such distractions can prove devastating in the case of addictions. Joy is important, of course — I don’t think we could live without it for long.</div>
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But like the other “negative” emotions mentioned above, we need to keep it in its proper perspective.</div>
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<span style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; color: grey; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; zoom: 1;"><em style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; zoom: 1;">(Photo credit: <a cat.mhtml?lang="en&search_source=search_form&version=llv1&anyorall=all&safesearch=1&searchterm=enemy&search_group=&orient=&search_cat=&searchtermx=&photographer_name=&people_gender=&people_age=&people_ethnicity=&people_number=&commercial_ok=&color=&show_color_wheel=1#id=86653660&src=d54438414c6231103fff1650d24c34be-2-84"" href"http:="" href="" style="border-bottom-width: 0px; border-color: initial; border-image: initial; border-left-width: 0px; border-right-width: 0px; border-style: initial; border-top-width: 0px; color: #2c83ca; font-family: inherit; font-style: inherit; margin-bottom: 0px; margin-left: 0px; margin-right: 0px; margin-top: 0px; outline-color: initial; outline-style: initial; outline-width: 0px; padding-bottom: 0px; padding-left: 0px; padding-right: 0px; padding-top: 0px; vertical-align: baseline; zoom: 1;" www.shutterstock.com="">Boxing Punching Bag on Red</a> via Shutterstock)</em></span></div>
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Why Joy Can Be Your Enemy

In previous posts, I discussed why the so-called “negative” emotions of anger , shame , sadness , and fear are actual...

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Loveology Radio: Sex That Transcends

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Join Wendy as she explores the fascinating juncture of spirituality and sex with Dr Jenny Wade, author of <em>Transcendent Sex, When Lovemaking Opens the Veil</em>.  Her research explores the spiritual and altered states that happen spontaneously in sex.</div>
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Dr. Wade is a developmental psychologist and researcher specializing in consciousness studies, especially the capacity for transformation. Her work explores the spiritual and altered states that happen spontaneously during sex.  Her career research focuses on how people change, especially as a result of access to unusual states of consciousness during life, including prior to birth and after death when brain function is minimal.  Dr. Wade also serves as a business consultant on optimizing differences in normal adult consciousness and as a professor of doctoral studies at the Institute of Transpersonal Psychology in Palo Alto. ITP is an accredited non-sectarian graduate school at the forefront of psychological research and education probing the mind, body, spirit connection.</div>
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Don’t miss this rare opportunity to learn about the access point to both understanding and creating life changing transcendent sex in your own life.</div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px; text-align: left;"><br /><br />Read more: <a href="http://www.care2.com/greenliving/loveology-radio-sex-that-transcends.html#ixzz1rlBnc7Nf" style="color: #003399; text-decoration: none;">http://www.care2.com/greenliving/loveology-radio-sex-that-transcends.html#ixzz1rlBnc7Nf</a></span>

Loveology Radio: Sex That Transcends

Join Wendy as she explores the fascinating juncture of spirituality and sex with Dr Jenny Wade, author of Transcendent Sex, When Love...

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3 Things That Kill Sexual Desire

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Can we have great sex with someone and not have a good relationship? The answer is sometimes we can, but mostly we can’t. Good sex does mean that the connection and intimacy we have with our mate does translate into more intimacy. However, it’s not the whole story. Sexual relationships often hinge on whether couples make time for sex, or whether they can still be romantic. John Gottman an emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Washington and the author of <em>The Seven Principles of a Happy Marriage</em> and <em>The Science of Trust: Emotional Attachment of Couples</em> maintains that “What’s been described as low libido in women is the fact that their men stopped courting them.” Let’s look more at other factors that cause “low libido” in Part 2 of examining the recent iVillage national survey with women on what they really think about behind the bedroom’s closed doors. (Read Part 1: <a href="http://www.care2.com/greenliving/just-how-important-is-sex-really.html" style="color: #0c739e; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">Just How Important is Sex, Really?</a> here.)</div>
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<strong>Forty percent say that raising children lessons their desire. </strong>Children take a lot of the spontaneity out of our sex lives. It’s a challenge to be able to find the time to be together with needy babies all around.</div>
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1. Sex and exhaustion are not a good mix. Men don’t always understand what it’s like to be a stay-at-home Mom. Especially within the first three years of a child’s life, the constancy of care is so exhausting. The ability of a spouse to understand the effect of long term child care will affect the return of their sex life. Empathy and compassion are ways of connecting and for women that is the necessary ingredient for sexual desire.<br />2. When there is a loss of desire on the part of one spouse, try talking about it. Listen to complaints, make agreements, and strengthen your friendship and partnership. The term inter-dependency is about working well as a team. Good teams play well together.<br />Ask these two questions of each other…<br />3. What are three things you can do to make your relationship and sex life improve?<br />4. What fantasies can you talk about that would make your sex life sexy?</div>
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<strong>Thirty-four percent say their libido is limp because of <a href="http://www.care2.com/greenliving/can-a-good-fight-save-your-relationship.html" style="color: #0c739e; text-decoration: none;" target="_blank">arguments</a>. </strong>Conflict resolution has as its main goal to increase intimacy through listening, acknowledging and validating the opinions and feelings of our partner. It’s a big turn on. Nothing kills desire more than arguments that are not solved or if they are too frequent. Anger and desire cancel each other out.</div>
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1. Anger management and conflict resolution skills are the most important skill in a successful relationship. Conflict is the killer in relationships and sex lives. Conflict kills desire, trust and friendship if it is not resolved in a good way.<br />2. Basic resolution skills involve: Cooling off first (no one is rational when they are mad). Then make sure you acknowledge and validate the other person before you make your point (acknowledgement does not mean agreement). Then define the problem. Ask what you can do to make it better and then try to do those things that you talk about.<br />3. Compassion, understanding, respect and empathy create a space for sexual intimacy to happen. Kindness is always foreplay.<br />4. Remember when you were first dating and you wanted to have sex? What did you do then? You dressed up, went out to a nice dinner, said sweet things, were funny and you hung on every word. Why do we forget this?</div>
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<strong>Thirty-one percent say they aren’t interested in sex because of a loss of physical attraction.</strong> The loss of physical attraction is based on not being our best selves at home. The challenge is to be the kind of person that someone would want to have sex with. Relationships require that we become better people to be in them.</div>
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1. When sexual attraction diminishes or goes away entirely it can be the result of health issues, drugs and alcohol, personnel issues or the loss of respect. The loss of respect is the chief cause of the loss of sexual desire.<br />2. If your partner has lost respect for you, what can you do about it? Make sure you have taken responsibility for whatever you may have done to cause it. Do whatever you need to do to make it better and let your partner know what your plan is.<br />3. If your mate is not interested in sex, then don’t push for it. Do all the things that would make your mate feel you are tuned into them. Make sure you acknowledge what they are feeling.<br />4. One of the most difficult aspects of relationship intimacy is the fear of being vulnerable. Men are told early on to not show emotions, don’t cry, don’t show weakness. Emotions are normal and no one is weak for having them. Don’t be a victim, but for sure don’t be the perp. You have nothing to lose by telling the whole truth and nothing creates respect more than someone who is willing to open it all up.</div>
<span style="background-color: white; font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 13px; line-height: 19px; text-align: left;"><br /><br />Read more: <a href="http://www.care2.com/greenliving/3-things-that-kill-sexual-desire.html#ixzz1rlB84d00" style="color: #003399; text-decoration: none;">http://www.care2.com/greenliving/3-things-that-kill-sexual-desire.html#ixzz1rlB84d00</a></span>

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